Image by ✖Haiyeen ®✖ via Flickr
much of them i guess...
I was talking about love, last i remember. How does one really know -
as they say beyond all reasonable doubt - that one's in love? Is it
circumstantial? If so, what are the circumstances? The big question
remains, what is love!? More importantly, i think, what do i think of
it or how do i perceive it?
Love, in context of her majesty, would be my unconditional affection,
or strong liking, or high affinity for her. Seeing as i already tend
to think of her for most of the day, i don't doubt I'm on one stage or
the other of love - assuming there ARE stages in love! - albeit the
initial or intermediate stage.
When i say 'thinking of her', I'm referring to me imagining her in
various ways. I have imagined her countless-ly in the past two years of
my so called love for her. The way i imagine her has mostly been in
the form of her carrying out tasks that i would love to see her doing,
or in the form of actions i see others perform and wish for her to do
it in front of me as to how she would look like doing it. And the
tasks range from waking up sleepily to sleeping sleepily, virtually
anything i can get my mind veer to. And here comes the fun part!...
...I tend to block every and all things sexual that i can think of
when thinking of her, its almost automatic now! I don't know... May be
I've conditioned myself as such for so long that to think of her in
any way that disrespects her image or threatens her innocence is
blocked away by my mind or an unconscious attempt is made at least. And
this alone may well be my grounds for the notion that i might be in
love with her majesty Princess X!
I'm starting to like this mo-blogging more and more now.
I do sometimes think about what type of relationship do we have here.
I can't give it a name but love. Another big question is whether she
loves me too or not?! But I'm mostly not worried about that, not
wanting something in return, may be that's the selfish side of my
nature in some weird way... It so happens i tend to get frustrated at
times to how oblivious she can be to some of the facts i try to tell
her about me and sometimes about both of us, or maybe its just that i
can't express my feelings for her more clearly - you see!? I did it
again, the automated defense system i have for her, this is
psychologically weird! I am, for the record, considered somewhat weird
in my social circle - enough.
The frustration arises rarely, but it does. It happens when i am
usually trying to tell her or just simply tell her straight away i
like her a lot. She normally replies with an honest attempt to respond
either equally or to an emotional extent that I'm satisfied she has
tried so. This is my observation and opinion. One may very reasonably
wonder what is so frustrating about all this. Well, wait for it...
It's not frustrating at the point anymore, it becomes frustratingly
agonizing! I've told her so many times and she has noticed and asked
me of it, that why do i become moody at times? She's also inquired me
countlessly if she has ever bored me... Her innocence, you see!? How
can someone i, supposedly, love bore me.. Back to the frustration.
You see that she is too innocent, or at least i think she is. For her
age and maturity, she does seem too good to be true. But either she is
a gift from God or else she's one helluva'n actress! At times i have
felt that she's trying desperately to wind me up enough to just
explode with my emotions for her and let her know how i feel, maybe
that would give her an excuse for letting some of her own feelings
out! Kinda playing the 'you started it first!' card... Maybe I'm wrong
for the actress part... Maybe I'm right for the you started it first
thing! She does seem innocent enough for it, and i also do have the
tendency to snap at times. Who doesn't! She cried once because i was
harsh to her, though her low B.P was in play but it does feel great,
someone caring enough to cry for you...
This is where it might get ugly. I mentioned earlier that i can be
selfish, right? Hell that's even my e.mail, selflessly selfish! Maybe
that's what i am! My frustration arises when she fails to return the
compassion with which i address her, my agony rises when i feel this
failure of hers, which, may or - very hopefully - may not be in her
capacity, she has done so many times.
All of this of course happens so during the time-line in which i am in.
The one that includes her, too. Hence i continue to love her - before,
after and during - all such times.. So i can't really dislike her,
strike that, i can't dislike her at all if I'm in love with her! And i
think I've already established the fact that I'm IN it with her, at
whatever stage, IN whatever.
I've been writing in this particular post for quite some days now,
maybe almost a week. Editing and changing it, adding newer thoughts
every now and then whenever i feel up to it, kinda on the fly, as i
have it on my cell phone.
So finally, I've decided that I'll edit this post no more and move on.
She talked to me the other night, and said that she is totally OK with
the decision her parents made for her better-half...
What more could i want!? Dunno, no idea..
--
Sent from my mobile device
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